Why having your first baby will always be the hardest

Why having your first baby will always be the hardest

Becoming a mother for the first time is one of the most amazing experiences you will ever have. It is also one of the most challenging experiences, one that all Mums remember well.

I have had 4 babies and each time there has been a challenge in some way and I had to learn how to manage 1 more child, however, never has this been as steep a learning curve as it was that first time.

Before the birth

Many choices are made throughout your pregnancy such as, how you will feed your baby; breast or bottle, cloth or disposable nappies, bassinet, or cot to start with. What colours for furniture, bedding, clothing, pinks or blues or more gender neutral?

Do you want to know the sex of your baby before the birth?  Many couples have told me during labour that they know the sex of their baby but they have kept it their little secret as they wanted to announce it to friends and family after the birth and for everyone to be surprised.

At this time, you make the best choices you can, but until you have your baby some decisions are difficult to make. If you haven’t been around babies very much making these decisions can be even harder.

Women often spend a lot of time thinking about the unknowns of labour and birth, when will it happen, how will I cope, who do I want there to help support me. It is hard to think of anything much further in the future when you are focused on the birth.

Sleep deprivation often begins well before the birth. Being uncomfortable, needing to go to toilet multiple times through the night due to your bladder being squashed by the baby are a common occurrence. Having more frequent Braxton-Hicks (practice) contractions or even early labour that may come and go for days before establishing also impact many new mums.

Even those with a planned c-section birth often can’t sleep well the night before as they are excited about meeting their new baby and nervous about the unknown of surgery and birth.

Immediately after the birth

Congratulations your baby is born, and you are holding your newborn and all of a sudden you realise you’re a Mum now. I remember feeling quite a weight on my shoulders to immediately know everything that I felt a mother should know. But it didn’t just happen, it was learnt over days, months, and years.

Within the first few days alone you need to learn many new skills such as breastfeeding, nappy changing, bathing, dressing, settling a tiny fragile baby.

It does depend on how involved and hands on you’ve been with babies in the past. For me I had always been one to ask for a ‘hold’ of a baby but as soon as they started crying, I would hand them back to their mum. I was never left alone with a baby and not many of our friends had babies to ‘practice’ on! Some parents are much more confident and already know the basics of baby care, this is a real bonus.

I remember feeling overwhelmed by all I was learning as well as feeling like my hormones were out of control. Many women feel this way, teary one moment, then wondering why they are, this is often termed Baby Blues and will usually pass within a week.

Depending on the type of birth, the initial recovery over the first few days can be uncomfortable or even quite painful. While you and your baby are learning to breastfeed, this can cause some nipple pain and full breasts can be uncomfortable as well.

Back at home

Once you get home there is no one to ask for advice like there was in the hospital, I remember feeling genuinely scared about making some decisions myself. Dr Google may not give you safe information and will return too many results to help when you’re already sleep deprived.

New mums must make a myriad of decisions, trying to make the right decision for them and their family but always knowing that there is a lot of judgement in the background.

There is a real lack of social interaction for all new parents, but this has been compounded during this pandemic with lock downs and self-isolation. Technology has been a saviour for many, with video calls and social media helping us all to stay connected.

Many new mums are concerned that they may not know what is normal or when to see a doctor with their baby. Babies are so small and dependant on you, you don’t want to miss something important.

Navigating health professionals such as hospital domiciliary midwives who visit you at home and then child health nurses who will take over after that. Add to this lactation consultants, GP’s, obstetricians, paediatricians, it can get quite confusing with all the different information you are given.

“Nothing else will ‘rock your world’ like the birth of your first baby and then each baby after that!” Belinda Joyce

Mental health concerns

I mentioned hormonal changes earlier and feeling teary, this is often termed baby blues. If you are still feeling down, teary and not yourself after a week or two, please speak to a health professional. Your GP is a good place to start as they can discuss next steps such as referring you on with a mental health plan to a psychologist who can help you work through your feelings.

That changing role from being an individual, maybe part of a couple to now a Mum is a huge step for many. It is a big step for your partner too. It makes you consider how you want to parent, whether you want to do this like your own parents or very differently and this can bring up some challenging feelings as well.

There can be a lack of quality time with your partner and high tensions at times when you’re both sleep deprived and learning how to care for your baby. This is normal but something you both need to work on and try to keep your lines of communication open.

Your focus changes from looking after yourself to looking after your very precious and dependant baby.

Social media only shows the good moments when Mums look like they have it all together, makeup done and baby smiling. Even though we all know this, it is good to have a reminder as it is easy to get sucked into this social media world.

Day to Day

The day to day challenges of being a new Mum can be quite a juggle. Things that used to be simple can now feel like you need a strategic plan!  Figuring out how to fit a shower into the day, cook meals, clean the house, wash clothes, even just eating your own meals can be difficult.

Getting organised enough to be able to get out to appointments on time and get your groceries is also a learnt skill.

Don’t put yourself last

And in the middle of all of this, you do need to look after yourself. Don’t always put yourself last, talk to your partner and try to find some time that both of you can have some time out. Whether that be just enough time to have a bath, do an exercise class, get a massage, visit a friend, have a cuppa, and read a book. It doesn’t have to be a large amount of time to get some real benefits from it. And if you’re breastfeeding you may need to be nearby in the early days when babies feed more frequently but once your baby has a little more of a pattern you will know how long you can be gone for and you can always express some milk to be used if needed.

All new Mums are just trying to do the best they can…they won’t get it right every time and we won’t all make the same decisions.

We as Mums need to help to build other mums up, especially new mums. Remember how it felt for you.

Just know that you are doing an amazing job, no new mums have got it all together, regardless of what you see on social media and it is a huge learning curve.

Enjoy your baby and ask for help when you need it.

Other Related Blog Posts:

What Every New Mother  Needs To Take To Hospital With Them

Social Distancing With Children, a Parents Survival Guide

Getting Out and About With Your Baby